Porcelain Doll

I can’t see a thing
Will I wake up from this dream?
I scream inside myself
As I draw imaginary lines
Living in my made up world
My makeup’s real
I blame the stairs
But I keep falling
into the hands of lies

Sleeping deep
All my dreams I keep
locked up so deep inside
Where’s the light in my eyes?

Where did I go?
Where will I find myself?
I hear my echo
Uncover my eyes

The blades of my truth
These lines on my face
Losing myself in all I can’t erase
Lost in my silent cry
I taste one last tear before I die

Staring in the mirror
Like a porcelain doll
My hair falls softly
But only to cover up…
Endless mockery
All that’s left of what I see
I don’t fight reality
Too numb to feel
I draw this imaginary line

Holing my last breath
inside my silent screams
Wrapped in artificial light
I’m freighted…
Frozen…

The wide eyed and innocent girl
in my imaginary world
Is six feet under
fighting for breath
What lingers in the doorway?
Haunting shadows
The voices never fade away…

Find me at the crime scene
where I’ve made it all a dream
Yet too real to escape the proof

Is this my only truth?

I’m frozen here inside
the safety I create
Destructive path to emptiness
I stare into the nothingness

Like a porcelain doll…
~Janie Davel

Reasons why I don't like raisins

Today I’m in the mood to write something not as heavy as usual. I don’t do this often because every time I try to write on the light side of life it somehow gets more serious as I go on. This is frustrating sometimes but anyway for some random reason I’m thinking today about the reasons I don’t like raisins… I want to write this on a lighter note but this is indeed a very serious matter to me so if you end up crying I am sorry for once again opening up my deep side. I really don’t like raisins at all but I have never actually thought much about the reasons why until now….. Add raisins to chocolate and it ruins the taste completely and it looks as though some flies killed themselves while eating chocolate. They make salty food so sweet. I mean, salty foods are suppose to be salty, really. Add raisins to a packet of peanuts and it tastes like you’re eating Jelly Tots… This is fine, I guess but looking like you rode your motorbike without a helmet because of the raisins stuck between your teeth is perhaps not so fine. And I have this thing that people who aren’t easily grossed out probably won’t understand but I don’t want a fly anywhere near my food! Oh my, they are so dirty! I won’t go into the details as to why they are but they visit objects that are so very unpleasant….. And personally I think when they die they came back as raisins and they invade the more pleasant things like chocolate and peanuts. Flies have risen from the dead and are now called raisins that space out in my chocolate and I don’t like that very much! See, this is a sad sad story……..     :)

~Janie Davel~

Writing with a Paintbrush

When my heart feels heavy writing is such a beautiful escape. No matter what you burden paper with, it still gives you freedom. Freedom to be who you need to be at any given moment. Paper is never scarred by hurtful words…. I allow myself today to reflect on so many things. There’s no better way for me to express myself than to put down words on paper. For some it’s talking and wild expressions such as music and dance perhaps. Although I love music and dance so much, nothing quiets my heart like when the written word becomes a paintbrush in my hands. I mostly write in shades of black and gray and I so often wish I could blame it on the shadow my hand casts on the paper as I write but it is not that simple. Painting in color is easier than forcing your heart not to write your own story….. It sometimes stains the paper when the ink in my pen turns to blood but there comes with it a beautiful release that is hard to describe to those who paint rainbows. I write like a bird still learning to fly…. Sometimes like someone who is so ready to die…. The beauty, the miracle is this – the writer’s cry needs no voice… Not a million colors or even a paintbrush. No music, dance or passion. Turn my world to black. Turn off the lights and my heart’s candle will burn with much intensity as my desperate and beautiful words form on paper like a mighty rush of water. Yes, Water…. Wow……The tranquil sound of water where I drown the words I can never speak and find those that I write. I do love passion, dance, music and beauty all around. I look deep to find inspiration. Even in broken homes and hungry mouths when my flood of tears turns the lights off once again….. And I write about everything I observe…. Even if it breaks me….My heart is a well of words…..A river….. A cry I never will silence if not through the flow of my pen….. 
~Janie Davel~

My Dearest Love

My Dearest Love,

You are the pen in my hand dripping my love on this piece of paper. Accept this as my attempt to let the weight of our love flow from my heart. A weight I do not wish to be free from. My only release is in you, my love. I do not know much but always will I remember the way you look at me…. Your eyes searching for what you have already found. I remember the way the wind touches your hair and the way you look at me when I gently tame your hair with my fingers…. I feel your beauty caress me like silk in my hands. The house is dark and quiet as I write to you this letter with just enough light to see your beauty touch paper. I do not wish to wake you now. When you open your eyes in the morning light and I see you, it feels like the only moment in time given to me and for this I will patiently wait….

Forever yours

Janie Davel

Overtake Me

As I wait for night to come

In the deepest corners of your heart I drown

You take me in

You pull me under

I cannot breathe……

So close to you

Your eyes become doorways

To all that I’ll find

I feel in this darkness

Your trembling hands

The flame of my fire

My breath on your lips

Open me up

Touch me deeply

Whisper our story

Till we freeze time

Lost in this moment

Let your fingers trace me

Discover my secrets

With the touch of your tongue

Read me like a blind man

Feel my breath…..

As passionate love

Overtakes us

Your fingers trace me

I read the lines of your hands

Unveil my beauty

Awaken me deep……

Janie Davel

Divine Love

I give you white flowers every morning
I love to see you smile 
As you open your eyes
And how Divine romance touches your heart
It’s a beautiful picture
You are My heart’s delight

I know how you love the beauty of white
More beautiful than early morning light
You are to Me
When your eyes smile
At what you see

I love when you say
“Thank You, Daddy
Love Divine,
That I can know I am Yours
And You are mine
Your tender words still my heart
Your love is beautiful
My eyes hold Yours forever.”

You’ve seen the deep affection
Flowing from My heart to yours
You’ve seen beauty now locked in your eyes
Let My Words permeate you
Deeper and deeper

"Beautiful heart,
I love you"

Janie Davel

Divine Romance

What would You cook for me, Beloved?
This dinner for two
Divine Romance
I AM curious to know
what you would choose to serve me
I am a salt lover, You know,
And I know You love it too
because you made me the seasoning
I Am the spice of Christ

I am blindfolded
Waiting for your lovely surprise
And I know you can’t wait to see
The smile on my face
When I see
what You have prepared for me

A cheese-filled delight
I see you laugh
While staring at the corners of my mouth
“I will kiss that mess” You say
As the candle’s flame melts us into ONE
Your eyes so passionately burn for me
Your Spirit-wine, red on my lips
Red with burning passion

Janie Davel

Deeper into Me

Look deeper into the intensity of love
I want you to see
And I want you to know
You are a river
A spontaneous flow

Look into My eyes
Don’t turn your gaze away
See My eyes burn for you
Feel the flames of My love consume you
Draw strength from my eyes
See how beautiful you are
I breathed into you
What the world never will contaminate

I know you see your scars
And question your worth
As the salt in your wounds
become tears in your eyes
touching your lips
It is the taste of lies you believe, My beloved
Just be a child in my arms
You are My beloved
There is no flaw in you

Look deeper into Me

Come away with Me…….

Janie Davel

Crowned

Thirsty you found me
and deeply nourished my soul
As I look into your eyes I see
Pure beauty
Touch and flow
This is all there is…
Just this peaceful flow of water
The River in my mouth

You pulled me from deep mud
as you breathed upon me
From the dust of the ground
comes forth glory eternal!
I Am hidden in the story of your glory revealed
As you put your arms around me
to you I yield

I have asked you to teach me to love like you
Until I realized your love is who I AM
How can I not love as you love
It is I yet not I,
but you in me
loving the world completely

Your answer is I AM
No matter what the question I ask
And so in the beauty of the silence you breathe
I hear your heartbeat
I feel the rain
Touch every part of me
Flow to every corner
Reach the desert places
where your mysteries are made known
In the dark places I feel oil on my hands
A fire deep within me
I see that the darkness was never in me
I was only surrounded so I can open my eyes
and see the crown you have placed on me

Janie Davel

Strip Away

Tear me apart
Break me
Take me deeper
The hurt is the touch
of the Healer

Strip away the beliefs
that cover my heart
Penetrate me deep
I bleed in your arms
to find the essence of love

I am naked before you
as love is naked
I am held by your fullness in me
Stripped of beliefs

Naked and knowing
You see no flaw
In this moment uncovered
I am robed in love
Yet in the mirror of your eyes
I am lost in naked intimacy

I have believed to cover my shame
But I see in these moments
that these covers are perceptions,
this world’s way of casting blame
Your love penetrates when naked I stand
Wrapped in love
Melting into One…..

Janie Davel

Deep Waters

Wake me up before the sun lifts the night’s blanket
to reveal the light that flows from my inner being
As I receive from Your mouth living words of restoration 
my Spirit-consciousness in surrounding darkness
reveals the glory in self-consciousness

The awareness that I Am
And there is nothing more to add 
to this truth from your mouth
As it seals my lips,
it penetrates my mind
Breaking down walls around my heart
Flowing to where your mysteries are like
the wild, untamed waters of the sea
I find no solid ground in Your spontaneous flow
Just the glory of Christ in me

I drink the salt water of pain
but with opened eyes I see
the waters wash over me
not to drown me
but to take me deeper into you
To find my being settled in you
even before you laid earth’s foundations
In the sound of your voice like rushing waters
I Am pulled deeper into the knowledge of who I Am

I feel no solid ground
When you call me deeper
into KNOWING that faith is wet
As you invade my limited understanding
with senseless words to my mind
I Am saturated as your waters flow

Faith is I Am in me
And in the dark places,
deep in you
my reason does not resist Your flow
but becomes my reason to know….

Janie Davel

Madness

Sometimes you die a thousand deaths just to get a second worth of breath..

You're chasing this life to the measure you die, to the weight of those tears you cry..

Are you open to something more?

Are you hoping with eyes closed, that seconds will take you away?

As your blood stains the carpet, do you count the drops?

Do you want to be dead or alive?

Is this all you are seeing?

The tears in your eyes..?

Do you swallow those pills, just a hand full of lies?

There is hate in the silence..

You cover your ears.

Do you want to be dead or alive?

The hourglass running out, no voices heard..

All the madness disturbing the sense in your head.

Is it too late to be saved?

The last drop is falling..

You open your eyes..

Do you want to be dead or alive?

 

Janie Davel

Deep

Black tears...How do I wipe them away?
They stain my skin,
burden my heart and hide deep within where no-one sees. 

In a place so distant, my heart cries for mercy,
but it's silent screams, lost in the noise.
The deeper the ocean, the darker it gets...
Deep in the blackness it swallows my name.

I find no reflection and all looks the same.
Don't find me there dying if you don't know my name.
We all fight the water and drift to the surface,
until we find that only Water can fight water....

Janie Davel

Life is beautiful! In all of its craziness, just beautiful! Sometimes it feels like you have to dig deep to find beauty. Other times, it looks you straight in the eyes and invites you to soar..

Mirror Memories

You live with the memories
Only memories..
Beautifully shared or violently forced
But all you have is memories..
A stolen oxygen supply..

The hurt takes you back to that same place
Knives resemble what you can't replace
Tears the only trace
And you find yourself in the emptiness..
Nothingness
Shattered
Bruised

You hope to see yourself in broken mirrors
Everywhere you go, you pick up the pieces
When even the beautiful is a far from the truth
Bleeding on the floor, you keep fighting for even a glimpse of what is real

Is it still real?
Was it ever real?
How far did you go to find something that would last a moment?
A moment that held no promise..
For how long could you hold onto it before it brutally broke your heart?

All you see in this shattered mirror is the evidence of violent hands
As you long for life to fill your lungs..

The cry in the nothingness, never heard
Shades of blue
Darker shades of blue
Until blackness consumes you

Janie Davel

Do You Care

When the shadows form in shades of gray

Lost in confusion we look away

What if what you’re going through will always keep you here?

Why face the fear of all your doubts?

Why find a way when darkness  chains you up?

There is no one to hear your cry

Who’ll break the silence just before you die?

It’s  just a slow flow fade and all you do is try

to find a reason to look up to the sky

Everywhere is a violent memory

No-one knows all the pain and agony

See it clearer.. Just know me better

Maybe I never saw...

that you had the escape all figured out

Now that I need you most your eyes are so cold and distant

Why you refuse to hold me close will always be my most dreadful secret

Do you even care?

I was so afraid to lose you

Do you see the hands that touched me and you thought you’d be the only one?

But don’t you see how black my tears have became, how it cuts me to the core?

You say that this is not a gift from God

I fight with all the voices screaming 'cause I don’t know anymore...

How do I kill this life?

How do I take this breath?

This is the bridge I built between your love and hate

Because what am I to do

If your love for me is ruined by a stranger who raped me

On a cold, dark night...

Death

There's a noise outside my window
Another life gun-shot, wounded, gone
Blood in the streets
A quick release..

Children playing
Parents waiting
There where life and death collide

In hospital beds so many recall brighter days
Some wounded by a single phrase
Others hunted down by a violent blaze

Suicide and drug abuse
What do I have left to lose
Numb, anesthetized, willfully sedated
Seduced by this addiction that won't let me go..

Death

who knows its consequence
and how it deprives a soul of significance

Where is the oxygen supplied by love alone
All that's left are a thousand graveyards with names written in stone

Janie Davel

Woorde

 Stilte maak my seer..

Woorde soveel meer

Het jy nog bestaansreg?

Leef jy met gevoel?

Bloei jy..

Of het jy jou hartklop vir stilte verruil?

“Ag, jy weet ek’t nie bedoel wat ek sê nie!”

Maar

Jou hart is reeds verniel

Hoor alles

Sif alles

Beleef alles

En... tot die lemme dieper sny, oorleef alles

Hoe kan lewe en dood oor dieselfde tong gly?

Uit ‘n mond spoel en jou dors les

Of jou laat verdrink?

Wie sal verstaan hoe woorde verniel

As dit sonder grense jou woede weerspieël?

Janie Davel

I Can't let Go

Don’t look at me like that

Are you really gonna tell me it’s just me?

What is this I’m facing?

Once..twice..Then a thousound times fading...

What are you saying?

Keep me guessing..

When is the final bow?

Are you gonna look away?

Now.. then.. always running...?

I can’t do this anymore..

Just spit it out!

Tell me..

Wet your lips once more

You can tell me you love me

But if you don’t mean it, let me go..

I can’t wrap my fingers around your slippery lies

You can’t bear it when I look at you

Cause that’s truth staring right back at you

Truth of how I love you

If it was mere words

I’d swallow it

But you touched me deeper  than that

Now I can’t ask you what you want me to do

Cause I know and I don’t want to

I’d have to let you go

But baby, I just don’t want to

Is it the fear that you’ll never be mine?

That I’ll never see you smile in the early morning light

You want me to forget how your lips touched mine

But there’s a reason why love mirrors the divine

So I know this thing you ask of me

But I can’t let you go

Janie Davel

Touch Me

Can I whisper every secret

Let all insecurities fade

Draw from your eyes compassion

that will break the chains of hate

Self-hatred

Regret

Resentment

I know you love me

I know you see the deeper part of me

You embrace the worst

You love the best

But I...hate the heaviness inside of me

The fear that we can’t give each other more

Touch me..

Touch me deeper than before

I need to know our love is more than enough

Stop the tears from falling as you tell me this is true

Can I let my secrets burst through my pain as I open up to you..?

Will you love me when I’m broken?

Will you hold me when I cry?

Flow through my veins

Until my fears melt away

I have never been this close,

This vulnerable to hurt

Teach me what trust is

Search my eyes

Let your love destroy the lies

Janie Davel